What a husband really needs from his wife – and how to communicate that.
Sex – That’s what many would think, yet in the long term, it will not sustain a healthy relationship. Good sex is not the path to intimacy; rather it’s the result of intimacy. In 1 Corinthians 7:3 it says “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.” But, men and women are different; their sexual needs are not the same. For men, sex is centered mostly between the legs, but for women, it’s all between the ears. Emotional connection is the best frame for a good marriage. In the long term, men’s emotional connection with their wives is enhanced when their wife understands what matters to men.
- Affection – Every man wants to feel his lady is attracted to him. Often, men in struggling marriages describe their wife as cold. Simple affectionate gestures, like a love note or a stroke of the arm send a powerful message to a man, that they are desired.
- Belief in his capabilities – There are few things more emasculating to a man than a consistent message that he’s not enough or he can’t do it. Everyone needs encouragement and a wife has a powerful tool for relationship building when she notices the good in her husband.
- Understanding – men and women are different. In healthy relationships both sides feel understood and known by the other. When he or she says, “they just don’t get it,” that’s a giant red flag that communication has broken down.
- Appreciation and affirmation – An intentional focus on noticing the other’s efforts in a relationship and communicating appreciation sets the stage for continued positive action. If you are affirmed in your efforts, given credit for trying, you’re more likely to repeat them until they become habitual.
- Acceptance – “She wants to change me,” is an often heard cry from men. While we can all make improvements in our character, communication and thinking, there’s nothing more secure for a man than to know his wife loves who he is. Maybe not everything he does, but rather she sees the good and is attracted to who he is at his core.
- Less chatter – from a brain science perspective, women typically use more words than men. Women have language on both sides of their brain, men on just one. Men have a limited capacity to contain words, letting her know gently that your “word tank is getting full” will minimize your feelings of being overwhelmed and keep her from being frustrated by not feeling heard.
- Respect – Respect is important for men. People tend to treat you they way you treat yourself. Living your life honorably, treating yourself and others with dignity and kindness, will be attractive to your wife. If you don’t respect yourself, it will be harder for her to respect you.
- Free time – If you have no life apart from your marriage, family and work, you’ll soon find yourself out of balance. Even though she may not understand it, most men are hard-wired with a need to turn their brain off at times and recharge. It’s not a selfish thing, but rather an essential restorative process.
- Trust – Few things destroy marriages more than one side being constantly suspicious or accusing of the other. When you’re constantly bombarded with accusations, at some point you give up and begin to feel hopeless. If you’ve violated her trust, own it. Then move forward in a trustworthy manner – it’s the best you can do.
- Companionship – When scripture points to marriage as “two becoming one,” that doesn’t mean you’ll always be in lock step about interests and activities. But, in healthy relationships couples enjoy doing things together. They find connection in experiencing things through their partner’s eyes and emotions.
How do you best communicate what you need? Never demand. Don’t make reference to what your wife does, but rather, how what she does makes you feel. “When you do X, I feel Y.” Focus on the positive when possible, e.g., “when you rub my neck I feel loved,” or “when you say that I feel appreciated and understood.”
Make adult statements – Adults use “I” statements. “I like that,” or “that doesn’t work for me, here’s what does.” Be kind, concise and clear in your words. Focus more on the things she does or says that build you up, not just the ones that tear you down. Positive reinforcement often leads to positive change. Letting her know what you like is a pathway to feeling understood, accepted and desired. Don’t try to control or manipulate her. But, communicating what’s important to you is not selfish, it’s integral to intimacy.
Proverbs 19:2 speaks of the fruitlessness of enthusiasm with out wisdom. It’s possible your wife may genuinely desire to know, please and help you – but she may not know how.
You have to tell her what you need. Remember, there’s a difference between telling someone what you need, and instructing them to do something. Communicating what’s helpful for you builds connection and understanding. Direction, correction and criticism destroys them.
Be gentle – Prov. 15:4 says, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Gently communicate what would help you and you’ll plant the seeds for life. Criticize and demand and you’ll break her spirit.
